Mid-Spring Update

We've come to a decision that instead of trying to build a new front porch, we will turn the area into a private patio retreat. Colorful, comfortable, serene, with all four elements present. I want to collect paver stones or some type of cut rock for the floor and sides/and the water feature.

In this month of May Jim and I are pitching in and doing the water turn-on with Aqua. I am dreading this one just because of the red tape. They have to see my deed. That seems ridiculous. I am going to cook some purple hull peas and roast some green beans and potatoes in the oven. Also making cornbread and it will be a nice Sunday brunch. Wish I had some onion and fresh herbs to dress up the peas... Having a great day - wish it could last forever!!! My new kitten is growing quickly. He is very smart and very kind. But he likes to get his way... His eyes seem to be staying green which is really beautiful against his thick black fur. He is just an equisite little creature, quite the heartbraker. Garden is in and being bombarded by tiny grasshoppers. Jim has promised to bring home chickens. We shall see. I need some stakes and string to line out my patio. It's going to be awesome!

This is Texas

It's been close to 80 degrees all day long. It's the end of January. It feels so good, calm, peaceful. I've had on shorts all day long. Barefooted. All this is great, but there's one mother of a storm bearing down on us here in actual hours. Flirting with that nasty word again, "freezing."

All I can say is good luck to all the people trying to live, trying to survive in the snow and the cold. The ice is dealbreaker for me. If there's ice, you don't go. But I tend to be quite conservative when it comes to driving. Please tell your friends and neighbors to give special help and attention to the little and not-so-little animals that find themselves in our care. Chasing the mighty greenback is a worthy cause, but what's more important are all the people, animals and family you leave behind each day.

So you wimpy Texas greenhorns just look out cause good 'ole Mother Earth is about to rain down some serious weather "up in here." Time to remember those summer days and be thankful for what we have. It can always get a little worse! It's coming!

The Kind Ones

It's really hard for me not to be sad about the overall situations around the world. There's sadness and suffering in so many places. There are many quiet heros who go about their business for selflessness' sake. People give up precious time in their lives to do what they can to make this world a better place. I really believe that from the urban metroplex to the tiny hometown out in the country there are people that think and act and share in a kind life. I believe that it is my culture, as a native-born Texan, having grown up through the sixties and seventies, to be kind to nature, talk it out instead of fight, find solutions to problems in the nicest possible way. As a granddaughter myself, I take with me all the ladies before me learned. We've grown up a lot over these decades as women, and I am proud that something I was a part of, something I stood for, still flourishes today, with new passion and intellect. We are the product of Coca-Cola and Kraft Foods, Monsanto and untold numbers of corporate nightmares of the 50's and beyond. Our ill health and the crisis of our children's health can all be traced back to what Deepak Chopra calls mass conditioning. The drive for money, corporate greed, lead the way to the poisoning of our food supplies and with factory farming, the horrific slaughter and inhumane treatment of defenseless animals. I'm sorry if it offends someone, but I stand behind the green movement, fully committed to stopping the madness, however long it takes. If I had a daughter or a son, I would show them a beautiful, clean and healthy lifestyle. Whatever it took to give them the edge, the knowledge, and the fire to make change. I haven't given up myself, either. Becoming vegetarian can be a difficult journey for a lot of reasons. And I have educated myself to the point where even that's not enough, and I am looking right in the face of becoming a full-fledged Vegan, knowing already the path will not be easy. I won't tell you what's so hard about it, the peeling back of the layers, your body and your mind feeling almost raw at times. But I can only guess at the great benefit it will bring, not only for me but for everyone around me. I recently read somewhere that becoming vegetarian saves the lives of 54 animals a year. That's frightening to me and I can't be a part of it anymore. To make changes is sometimes difficult. But I believe it can be the most rewarding time in your life, as each accomplishment will bring a certain strength to your heart, and to your soul. I may have felt like one of the "sad ones" most of my life, but now as I see so much goodness in America, I hope I will be remembered once I'm gone as one of the kind ones.

Cookie-cutter

It might be something to think about. You see it everywhere. We're becoming space people. Everything is simplified, streamlined, synthetic, genetically modified. One of the scariest things was the food. They tried to concoct space food disguised as "better," but it was just highly inferior nutrition in a box. I argue that it be considered nutrition at all. Cookie-cutter houses popping up all over the American landscape. From the beautiful deserts to the forests green. I guess we all want to "fit in." We don't want to "rock the boat." Hell, I say, rock the damn boat. Let her rip! Seek your own individuality. It is the precious infusion of the decoration of your soul. The more you sing, the better it sounds.

Peace on Earth

Today was a special day to trust in Peace. Today was a good day to trust in good people. Again, I turned to the special voice of Deepak Chopra to inspire me, teach me, help me. When I was young and confused, his work and his words found me. His words weren't just black and white, but many colors. He showed me that I alone could change my world, and how I could do it with intention, hard work, and love. And he taught me that I didn't have to become a victim. I could transform my body and my mind, and nourish my soul with patience, compassion and a sweet calm mindset of detachment. Instead of a life full of fear, he taught me to embrace the impermanence of life.

With all this said, nothing disturbs me more than needless suffering. Teachings say that suffering is inherent in all aspects of life. Suffering, usually brought about by a perceived loss. Perhaps if we could examine our losses with different eyes, we could transform the loss into gratitude. When I lost my mother, I began to realize what a huge heart she had, and what great love she offered to so many. In that loss, I grew up. It took some time, and some hard lessons learned, but now I can tap into that love and understanding even if she's gone. It fortifies me and makes me strong. Sure, I still feel horribly sad from missing her, but that sadness doesn't shadow my life. I believe I've turned that sadness into wisdom.

So my wisdom for Peace Day is simple. Make your life meaningful. Make changes in your life so that your days are filled with promise and achievement. Focus on the little things you can do to bring peace into your life. Spread the love around. Just know that things are hard for everybody. Whoever you are, wherever you live, don't let animals suffer. Don't be the man that stands back when he sees something wrong, instead, work for change. Support local farmers, however small they are. Make yourself more open and aware. Educate yourself.

There may be more days ahead, where men take arms against each other, over religion, land, power, whatever causes prejudice, intolerance, and greed. But take heart, for many seeds have been planted. Many hearts have been touched. Surely every human being on Earth must seek peace on some level. If you are a man or a woman reading this, wherever you live, whatever you believe, I sincerely wish you peace. And if your life and your own personal world seems full of strife, burdens, sometimes too overwhelming to make sense of, take some lessons from some of our greatest minds. Seek the truth. Seek forgiveness and forgive. Find your inner voice and let it sing. Sing for yourself and for all the world. Sing for peace. You will be heard.

Promise of a New Morning

Heck, I'm nothin' special. Sometimes I wonder why I'd even bother writing on the blogger. I'm beginning to think it's something a writer can't help. You just "need" to do it. Maybe because I never had a daughter or a son. I've missed out on a lot, I know. Sometimes I just need to communicate, to whoever it is, whoever might read my postings, simply just because.

Today I got up earlier than usual. Each new morning brings with it a special sense of promise. I used to have to haul ass (excuse me) before the sun came up, and drive about an hour to get to the center of the big city, to park my car in the garage, and ride up 20 floors on the elevator to my law firm, to my desk, to my work. Day after day, my young life speeding past. It was something we had to do, everyone has to work. But it was perhaps one of the hardest things I had to deal with in my life. Making myself sit still and focus on the boring tape in my ear, typing away as fast as I could, making sense of otherwise senseless nonsense.

These days, I am free. I say that with a certain amount of guilt, yet also a certain amount of exhilaration. I have had to fight and scheme and plan for these free days, not really knowing what will come in the years ahead. Should I be doing more, should I abandon lifelong little girl dreams and come to terms with my limitations. Or should I ignore limitations and continue to dream big, and plan big. Knowing myself, it will probably be the latter.

This morning I've got two little fat rat terriers snuggled up in my comforter (where they're not supposed to be). My roommate left early for a visit with a friend, and both pups ended up right on top of my bed like clockwork. He leaves, they immediately come in here to be with me. The two cats, Cherikee and Paleface have been in and had breakfast and are back out again. Little wild cats they are. So much to see and do out in the big yard. Bugs, and birds, squirrels, even snakes and bad wasps and such. Far more interesting than watching me type.

Nights are hard for me. Usually by then my back has kicked in with a steady broken feeling deep in the middle part. My doctor won't prescribe pain medicine, so I carefully work through my day, doing my best to avoid directly making it worse. I slowly but surely continue my practice. Stretching, moving, reaching, more stretching. A sad attempt at meditation. The docs have me diagnosed as bipolar. Besides cancer or something horrible, I can't think of a much worse diagnosis. Sure the depression that lies right beneath the medication is a deep sink hole of sadness to be strictly avoided. It's just not me, not who I am anymore. Now I'm a mean old survivor, a crazy woman that never gives up, never gives in, with a huge heart for animals, but not much toleration for useless people, and they seem to be everywhere. The good news about bipolar is that the manic side, when managed, can be quite wonderful. Whenever I feel unlimited happiness, I can't see how that's a bad thing. My problem is finding the middle. The gray area. For me, pretty much, it doesn't exist. So I take the pills and pretend I'm just fine.
With the promise of a new morning, there's nothing but excitement and good things to enjoy, from my point of view. But then I'm easily pleased, and I don't get out much...

I want to get a horse. But everyone says one horse is no good. Has to be two. They need a herd to be happy. I laugh when I read about a "herd of two" referring to when you ride. They also say a horse can bond with a goat or a donkey. But that seems unfair and odd. So to have one horse, I must have two. See, instead of writing in my blog, I'd be out feeding her, combing out her tail, playing with her mane, talking to her. Horses are wonderful, amazing creatures. God was having a really good day when he made horses.

I recently read an article aimed toward "rookies." It named off all the multitude of things I need in place before getting a horse. And it's not just little things. Everyone knows that life takes money, money you don't always have. So you get it, you save it, you juggle things around. But can a poor woman like myself honestly even consider owning a horse again? Maybe you ask why? Because owning a horse is a lifestyle choice. It gives you a certain freedom not found anywhere else. When you sit astride your beautiful strong creature, the feeling of her muscles, her breath, her legs, it is simply amazing. There's nothing like it on earth. And when there is a bond, a connection between horse and rider, the feeling is hard to imagine. It's hard to put into words. For someone like me, that has certain physical limitations, it becomes a dream thing. A dream to come true. I just want it to be as good for the horse, too.

So this morning, I'll go out to the make-believe barn "area", and I'll mow some weeds and pray for grass to grow. I water a lot. I love to water. It makes me happy to see things all green and growing. Thank God for water.

So before I go, before I leave this world, I intend to have a barn with at least a couple of horses hanging around. I'll load feed for them, and haul hay, I'll buy a small horse trailer to pull behind my chevy truck. And I'll go on trailrides with other horse lovers, and meet cool people and enjoy my adventures with horses. I may be old as the hills themselves, but it keeps me going. I may not have found the perfect husband, and at age 55, not likely to either. But I can plan and arrange to find my forever horse. Probably older like me. And we'll have a fine time.

Agoraphobia - what does it amount to?

Yesterday, Jim took me on my monthly pilgrimage to the grocery store. I'm one of those who hates to buy groceries, but armed with a list and a mission, I made a good go of it. Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty good cook, getting better all the time. It's the dealing with people that can become so tedious. The stores are so big these days, I have to communicate with Jim by cell phone in the store to find him. We met up and things were going well as we were about to check out, when I remembered one last thing. Jim said go on because there was a line ahead of us with lots of things to process.

Well I swear I wasn't gone but a couple of minutes and by the time I returned the whole "check-out" vibe had changed, and the cashier kept saying "just let it go..." It seemed that this cashier ushered Jim over to her line and it so happened we both had carts so at some point this small older woman got very vocal over Jim and his "two" carts. And Jim being about as mean as an old junkyard dog, didn't back down a bit and sent a whole bevy of unhappy tribe's women over to the next checkout.

Now I ask you again. How can perfectly quiet sane individuals seem to attract such abstract and unfathomable behaviours, just trying to buy groceries? I'm scared to get out lately. I'm not as strong as I used to be, and there are untold strange minds running loose all over. I just push my hat down a little snugger on my head, and pull my jeans back up on my butt, and I look over at my little dog Sadie Mae, and we wonder how in the world we found each other and we snicker.

I'm nobody's hero, but I've survived. I've had a whole auditorium of good people clap for my beautiful performance on the french horn. I've had a neighbor lady with four children tell me she admired me, of all things... (I have no kids and can't even imagine the responsibility) and I've great romances, and a few great achievements. I've socialized with the black dress and pearls crowd, and I feel comfortable with ranchers and cowboys. But I have as many family members and heros that have passed on these days than are still alive. My concerns are practical in nature.

So in this lifetime I won't make billions of dollars and build an enormous climate controlled self-sufficient eco-dome, although I probably would if I could. In this lifetime, I probably won't be travelling into space for fun or business. I don't want to fight with anybody over anything and I really don't want to hear about such matters. My stars are quiet tonite. My breeze smells clean and cool. The trees are whispering quietly, and bugs sing there songs. I'm a real native woman of the Earth. So call me agoraphobic. I've been called worse.